Things have been strange between Raisin (theoutlawtorn
) and me lately. Well, things were always "strange," I guess, but there has been a shift in the type of strangeness. There is, of course, the obvious fact that we'd been engaged since 2001, when dear Raisin was only thirteen. I never quite understood why she immediately pegged me as her fiance (I wasn't just her boyfriend, but I wasn't quite good enough to be her husband, so she settled for a middle ground?). I went along with it, though, because, well, mostly because she was Raisin, the "MindGoddess," and she hadn't quite gotten to the point where she thought of us as soulbonds instead of just characters she could play with in her head. I don't think she was fully aware of me as another person. To her, I was just the fantasy man and I could be roped into a relationship whether I wanted it or not.
That's not to say I was miserable. Raisin's a sweet girl, really, and we had some good times. It was strange, though, that she seemed to oscillate between too clingy and too distant with absolutely no middle ground. We hung out and talked a lot, especially toward the beginning of the relationship, and then again when Raisin met Twinkie and wanted to share her "imaginary" fiance with someone who would understand. But, we never went beyond talking. I guess we held hands and hugged, but we have yet to have our first kiss. Engaged for seven years and not so much as a kiss. But, that's just how Raisin is. She does not place as much emphasis on physical manifestations of love, which is great. And yet, I am a man with a desire for romance and a sex drive (though it's not quite as voracious as some men I've known), and it was difficult to remember I was engaged when I would go for months without even seeing my fiancee.
So, this continued for seven years. I think we reached the point where Raisin took the relationship for granted. It was assumed that I was her fiance, and that it would stay that way. We didn't make time to hang out one-on-one, we didn't discuss the future, never celebrated anniversaries, never said I love you. Our engagement was just a vague, underlying pulse in both of our lives. It worked out for a while, but soon we realized that we just couldn't keep it up. Raisin decided we needed to talk. It wasn't an outright conversation, but I think we could each sense what the other wanted to say. I didn't think it was fair to continue the relationship, especially since Raisin knew that I had nursed feelings for Lana and was currently pursuing a relationship with Kess. Raisin knew that neither of us wanted an engagement in name only. If we were going to commit to each other, it would be a mutual, loving relationship. After this "talk," we decided that we needed to officially end the relationship.
Honestly, things didn't feel any different right away. I continued life as normal, not entirely invested in the events of Raisin's everyday life, but close enough in case she wanted to talk again.
And she did. I visited her the other night, and we talked about how things have been going since the break-up. She said that she was okay with it, but she also mentioned a "constant, dull ache" whenever she thought about me. I noticed that she was wearing the engagement ring she'd bought around her neck, and that made me feel a little strange. Not in an uncomfortable way, but I had to deal with the fact that she seemed to be actually mourning the end of our relationship, whereas I had been able to move on without any real feelings of loss.
We had a very long and very intense conversation. It was absolutely heartbreaking, to put it lightly. It started out okay, and we were just talking about how the engagement had gone over the course of the seven years. Then, the conversation somehow turned to Raisin's prognosis of her future romantic life, which was rather bleak. She enumerated the factors that prevented her from interacting with people in a meaningful way - namely, her orientation (asexual), her vague feelings of social anxiety, and her general dislike of people. It didn't take her long to break down in tears, and I could do nothing more than lay next to her, completely helpless. I didn't know what to do, but she insisted over and over again that it wasn't my fault and she did not blame me in any way. I just wanted to hug her and make it okay. The Raisin I knew when she was in middle school and high school was happy and bubbly, but the Raisin I talked to that night was bitter, depressed, and jaded. I couldn't help but feel that I had somehow tarnished her outlook on love by resisting and ultimately ending the first "real" relationship she'd had.
I know Raisin hopes that we can become close friends, and I realize now that I want that more than anything. Raisin is incredibly sweet, and she tries so hard to interact meaningfully with all of her bonds and keep them all happy. One human mind can only do so much, however, and of course there have been lapses of time in which she hasn't paid full attention to us. I think that, without our engagement tying us together, she will be less clingy and more willing to see me as a peer (as opposed to a character). Clearly, her experiences of soulbonding have grown and developed exponentially since she first met Beri over seven and a half years ago.
We had a little chat today, much more lighthearted. She was doing some schoolwork, and I just lay on her bed and read. She seemed to be back to her happy self, and she kept getting distracted while she was trying to work, so I helped her focus. We were listening to music, and we realized that several of the songs described our relationship rather well...almost too well. At one point, she was turned toward me and was lip-synching the words, and the look on her face almost gave me shivers. I know she was just getting into the emotion of the song, but I couldn't help feeling that she was directing the words toward me. I felt incredible guilt, but I didn't say anything. I just hope that this "friends" thing works out. I want the chance to get to know her as a person and a friend. If we do try for anything romantic again, I'm going to make sure that we sit down and lay out all of the terms so we both understand exactly what we're getting into. I don't want either of us to get hurt again.
Anyway, we hung out for a while, and then Des showed up and whisked me away. Raisin and Des talked about making plans for this summer (including celebrating "Four Knights' Night," hahaha). I think it would be amazingly fun to have a party with the Knights and Raisin, because then we could really hang out as friends with as little awkwardness as possible. I have a feeling I'll be seeing a lot of Raisin this summer. I hope the novelty of being with her doesn't wear off.
I'll be around tonight, in the background, but I don't know if she'll have the mental energy to bond fully with me.
So, I've had this journal for a couple of weeks, and I figured I might as well post something. I don't expect that I will regularly update, but if there's something I need to muse or rant about, this is where I'll do it.